By Hannah Horowitz MA, LPCC
Finding and choosing a therapist can be an exciting proposition. It probably means you’re curious about your inner terrain and ready to shift patterns that might not be working for you. You might come to therapy because there is an event you seek to find resolution around, or perhaps you want to reduce your anxiety, or enhance your relationships. Whatever the reason, therapy works best when we feel we have the right fit in a therapist.
Therapy is different from most other relationships in life because, essentially, we are signing up to engage in intimate emotional territory with a stranger. It’s important to feel confident in the relationship you and your therapist share. Most therapists will offer a free initial consultation. This is a great place to get a feel for the therapist and ask any questions you may have. Below are some tips for the consultation and feeling confident when selecting a therapist.
1. Prioritize how the relationship feels.
This is first for a reason, because I believe it lays the foundation for all to come. For most people seeking therapy, it’s very important to feel safe with a therapist. Therapy works best when trust that our therapist cares about us, is dedicated to/interested in us as an individual, and is committed to our safety and well-being in the relationship.
Some helpful questions to ask yourself during/following a consultation are: Do I feel that this person is interested in/has the ability to understand me and my experience? Does the way they respond to me instill confidence? Does this therapist seem like someone I want to learn from and with? Does it feel there is space to be honest and real?
2. Remember, you don’t have to say yes right away.
Just because you had a consultation with someone does not mean you owe them your time or are obligated to sign up for a session. If you feel excited and confident following a consultation and you are ready to schedule, wonderful! But remember, your job is not to make the therapist feel good about themselves.
Please know that any good therapist will wish for you and support you to make decisions that are right for you, not for them. While you probably don’t want to have so many consultations that you end up never making a choice, it is often helpful to talk to a few people to get a sense of different therapists out there.
3. You can ask a therapist questions!
Sure, your therapist probably won’t (and probably shouldn’t) disclose more intimate information about their personal life if it’s not therapeutically relevant, but you are entitled to know a little bit about the person you are choosing to spend your time, energy, and money with. It’s totally okay to ask your therapist about their education, experiences, clinical orientation, and other questions you may have as they relate to your therapy.
All too often, I’ve heard people say they did therapy in the past, but it wasn’t a great experience because it felt like “talking to a brick wall.” In a consultation, it’s absolutely okay to ask a therapist about their therapeutic style, as well as how they would work with what you’re wanting to focus on.
4. Prioritize the experience and therapist you feel will best support you.
Therapy is also a great place to learn about our boundaries, our needs, and requests. Remember, your therapist is working for and with you, not you for them. If you have particular goals, needs, desires, or anything important to you you’d like for a therapist to know, the consultation is a great place to share.
It’s also totally okay to desire a therapist with certain identities or experiences. If you feel, for instance, that you would feel best supported working with a queer therapist, or a Jewish therapist, or a therapist who speaks a certain language, you can seek that out or ask for references for someone who feels most aligned.
5. When seeking a therapist, use community as a resource.
As therapy becomes more popular and less stigmatized, people are increasingly open to talking about their time in therapy. If there are people in your life you trust to ask, references can be a great way to find a therapist. Additionally, if you attend movement or meditation classes, receive bodywork, or participate in group programs, you probably know people who could direct you to a therapist.
Typically, people who work in healing professions have connections in the field and are happy to pass along the names of trusted colleagues. Even if that therapist isn’t right for you, chances are they will be happy to pass along other references to ensure you find the right fit. Starting therapy is a brave action to take. It’s important to have a companion and a guide we can trust to be a steady and skilled member of our team. Wherever your therapy journey takes you, may you find supportive people along the path.
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